8.19.2011
8.12.2011
I left the forum
I've been on a few forums for infertility. I've never had my posts edited.
On the PTSD forum I tried, my posts kept getting edited. Not because I said bad things, but because of capitalization and of quoting other people. I don't get it. Every time I logged in there was a note "your post has been edited." It made me feel terrible, like I can't do ANYTHING right. People who suffer from PTSD SO don't need that kind of crap.
One thread we were all listing things, the post above and below mine were not capped, but mine had a note on it <Your post has been edited for capitalization.> Way to belittle me.
I left.
On the PTSD forum I tried, my posts kept getting edited. Not because I said bad things, but because of capitalization and of quoting other people. I don't get it. Every time I logged in there was a note "your post has been edited." It made me feel terrible, like I can't do ANYTHING right. People who suffer from PTSD SO don't need that kind of crap.
One thread we were all listing things, the post above and below mine were not capped, but mine had a note on it <Your post has been edited for capitalization.> Way to belittle me.
I left.
7.27.2011
I joined a forum
I'm trying to learn from others, about PTSD. I've learned it's not curable, but it's treatable. I'm a little disappointed. I'm having infertility de ja vous. Treatable but not curable.
Lately I've been thinking about giving things away. Since we aren't going to have children, there is no one to leave my cherished possessions to. Return them to the people who gave them to me. To their children or grandchildren. Things I've been saving all my life for my children, they will be meaningless to anyone else.
My life continued to feel like a waste. I'm worthless. How do I find meaning.
Lately I've been thinking about giving things away. Since we aren't going to have children, there is no one to leave my cherished possessions to. Return them to the people who gave them to me. To their children or grandchildren. Things I've been saving all my life for my children, they will be meaningless to anyone else.
My life continued to feel like a waste. I'm worthless. How do I find meaning.
7.05.2011
the Munsters
After years of therapists telling me I need to be away from my family, I've finally realized that is the best thing for me. This is due to the fact that my family treat me like dirt. They have for years, but they've always told me I'm "making a mountain out of a mole hill" or something similar.
I am a huge inconvenience to my parents and my sister.
My parents did not attend my wedding.
I was not my sister's matron of honor.
They do not have time of me, or my husband. We are sub-humans. Many friends come before my husband and I.
One time my sister told me if there was an emergency, she would be there for me, but not for any other reason. When I asked why I was not her matron of honor, I was told that is "not a conversation I ever want to have with you."
They constantly dismiss me, my feelings, my husband, his feelings. Our family of six is basically a family of four and my husband and I are the inconvenient hangers on.
My father hasn't spoken to his brother in years. He passed away last year, and my father did nothing. My mom does not talk to her only sister. My husband and I have been categorized along with these unsavory family members for whatever reason my family has decided. Maybe it's our income, or lack of six figures.
I am the daughter who can do nothing right and my sister is the daughter that can do no wrong. I graduated from college, she dropped out. I married for love, she married for money. I am not able to provide grandchildren, my parents are certain my sister will.
So, my husband and I are trying to separate from my family. But how to do it. Do I write a letter letting them know I am leaving the family? Do we just disappear?
My parents have said things to me that you wouldn't say to your worst enemy.
I am trying to heal. I am trying to get better. I cannot do this if I am continuously being kicked to the curb by my family. Several therapists have confirmed that it's not me, even thought my family would like me to think that I am the problem. But my current therapist has helped me the most. She says she has seen this before with other clients. It's the Munster Syndrome. The one normal family member is made to feel like the freak, when in reality it's all the other family members who are the freaks. There is no other way to explain my parent's and sister's behavior.
I often think of scenes from movies and TV. In "Home for the Holidays" Holly Hunter's sister tells her she would not be friends with her if she were a complete stranger, she wouldn't like her. I can see my sister or my parents saying something similar to me.
In an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" it comes out that Ray's parents were not married when Ray's older brother Robby was conceived, there fore he has always been an inconvenience and Ray has always been the golden, WANTED child. It is the same in my family.
In the British drama "Doc Martin" Martin's mom laments to Martin how good life was before he came along and ruined their entire lives. And now, 40 years later, his parents are divorcing and it's all Martin's fault.
That's me. I am made to feel like the inconvenience. When something bad happens to me, like losing eight babies, I'm told I need to get over it and move on with my life. My sister has a small hiccup and I am expected to drop everything and do anything she needs, give her whatever she wants, stop everything. After losing triplets last year my sister was in an early pregnancy and I was expected to show some enthusiasm for her. Hello? I'm on two weeks of bed rest and I just lost triplets and my final chance of being a mother.
It never ends, so I am going to cut my losses. I don't need to be treated like dirt by my own family. I am trying to heal.
I will heal.
I will build a family of supported members, family or not.
I am a huge inconvenience to my parents and my sister.
My parents did not attend my wedding.
I was not my sister's matron of honor.
They do not have time of me, or my husband. We are sub-humans. Many friends come before my husband and I.
One time my sister told me if there was an emergency, she would be there for me, but not for any other reason. When I asked why I was not her matron of honor, I was told that is "not a conversation I ever want to have with you."
They constantly dismiss me, my feelings, my husband, his feelings. Our family of six is basically a family of four and my husband and I are the inconvenient hangers on.
My father hasn't spoken to his brother in years. He passed away last year, and my father did nothing. My mom does not talk to her only sister. My husband and I have been categorized along with these unsavory family members for whatever reason my family has decided. Maybe it's our income, or lack of six figures.
I am the daughter who can do nothing right and my sister is the daughter that can do no wrong. I graduated from college, she dropped out. I married for love, she married for money. I am not able to provide grandchildren, my parents are certain my sister will.
So, my husband and I are trying to separate from my family. But how to do it. Do I write a letter letting them know I am leaving the family? Do we just disappear?
My parents have said things to me that you wouldn't say to your worst enemy.
I am trying to heal. I am trying to get better. I cannot do this if I am continuously being kicked to the curb by my family. Several therapists have confirmed that it's not me, even thought my family would like me to think that I am the problem. But my current therapist has helped me the most. She says she has seen this before with other clients. It's the Munster Syndrome. The one normal family member is made to feel like the freak, when in reality it's all the other family members who are the freaks. There is no other way to explain my parent's and sister's behavior.
I often think of scenes from movies and TV. In "Home for the Holidays" Holly Hunter's sister tells her she would not be friends with her if she were a complete stranger, she wouldn't like her. I can see my sister or my parents saying something similar to me.
In an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" it comes out that Ray's parents were not married when Ray's older brother Robby was conceived, there fore he has always been an inconvenience and Ray has always been the golden, WANTED child. It is the same in my family.
In the British drama "Doc Martin" Martin's mom laments to Martin how good life was before he came along and ruined their entire lives. And now, 40 years later, his parents are divorcing and it's all Martin's fault.
That's me. I am made to feel like the inconvenience. When something bad happens to me, like losing eight babies, I'm told I need to get over it and move on with my life. My sister has a small hiccup and I am expected to drop everything and do anything she needs, give her whatever she wants, stop everything. After losing triplets last year my sister was in an early pregnancy and I was expected to show some enthusiasm for her. Hello? I'm on two weeks of bed rest and I just lost triplets and my final chance of being a mother.
It never ends, so I am going to cut my losses. I don't need to be treated like dirt by my own family. I am trying to heal.
I will heal.
I will build a family of supported members, family or not.
6.27.2011
6.24.2011
it's just too much
Some days trying to overcome the grief of losing 8 babies and dealing with PTSD are just too much for me to bare. If I can just make it to Friday night and spend the next two days in bed. . .
6.23.2011
trying to get a grip
I've only recently been diagnosed with PTSD from a 24-year old trauma. Recently as in just a few months ago.
Already it's helping explain some of my behavior which, up until now, was just explained as "crazy Joleigh behavior." Why do I do this or why do I do that. Even my family have called me just plain freaky. Which really was never so bad since I have a degree in art, freaky can be good, or at least not bad.
Fortunately my husband has always loved and supported me no matter what the level of freakyness. We knew I had a problem (a problem?) problems? and we thought we knew where they came from. Fragile. Scared. OCD.
Ok, so I'm just gonna say it. Twenty-four years ago I was raped and badly beaten. There. I said it. I remember it. I've been worthless ever since. A second classed citizen. Not worthy. Not human. Broken. Afraid.
Almost half my lifetime. What a waste of a perfectly good human being.
I'm sure he never gave me a second thought. And he's haunted me for 24 years. I'm done. I want my life back. And now that I know I'm not crazy, it has a name, it's PTSD, it can be fixed.
I can be fixed.
Already it's helping explain some of my behavior which, up until now, was just explained as "crazy Joleigh behavior." Why do I do this or why do I do that. Even my family have called me just plain freaky. Which really was never so bad since I have a degree in art, freaky can be good, or at least not bad.
Fortunately my husband has always loved and supported me no matter what the level of freakyness. We knew I had a problem (a problem?) problems? and we thought we knew where they came from. Fragile. Scared. OCD.
Ok, so I'm just gonna say it. Twenty-four years ago I was raped and badly beaten. There. I said it. I remember it. I've been worthless ever since. A second classed citizen. Not worthy. Not human. Broken. Afraid.
Almost half my lifetime. What a waste of a perfectly good human being.
I'm sure he never gave me a second thought. And he's haunted me for 24 years. I'm done. I want my life back. And now that I know I'm not crazy, it has a name, it's PTSD, it can be fixed.
I can be fixed.
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