trying to get a grip

I've only recently been diagnosed with PTSD from a 24-year old trauma. Recently as in just a few months ago.

Already it's helping explain some of my behavior which, up until now, was just explained as "crazy Joleigh behavior."  Why do I do this or why do I do that. Even my family have called me just plain freaky. Which really was never so bad since I have a degree in art, freaky can be good, or at least not bad.

Fortunately my husband has always loved and supported me no matter what the level of freakyness. We knew I had a problem (a problem?) problems? and we thought we knew where they came from. Fragile. Scared. OCD.

Ok, so I'm just gonna say it. Twenty-four years ago I was raped and badly beaten. There. I said it. I remember it. I've been worthless ever since. A second classed citizen. Not worthy. Not human. Broken. Afraid.

Almost half my lifetime.    What a waste of a perfectly good human being.

I'm sure he never gave me a second thought. And he's haunted me for 24 years. I'm done. I want my life back. And now that I know I'm not crazy, it has a name, it's PTSD, it can be fixed.

I can be fixed.