Childless Mother

I am a childless mother.
There is an empty hole in my heart
Where my child is supposed to be.
Where there should be squeals and laughter
There is nothing but mind-numbing silence.
And look, there, in the corner sitting idly,
Waiting, is a child's rocker, my rocker-
The rocker that I used to sit in and imagine
Rocking my baby instead of just a doll.
And I realize, that as empty as that rocker seems,
My arms feel even heavier with the emptiness.
How can emptiness feel so heavy?
That emptiness carries my broken dreams,
My disappointments, my resentment.
Flutterby kisses never shared,
Laughter never heard,
Tears never brushed away
All weigh more than a child ever will.
There is an empty hole in my heart
Where my child is supposed to be.
I am a childless mother.

by Louise C. Taylor, Copyright 1997

You who never arrived

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don’t even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of
the next moment. All the immense
images in me — the far-off, deeply-felt
landscape, cities, towers, and bridges, and
unsuspected turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods–
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.

You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house– , and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me.

Streets that I chanced upon,–
you had just walked down them and vanished.

And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and,
startled, gave back my too-sudden image.

Who knows? Perhaps the same
bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, separate, in the evening…

by Rainer Maria Rilke (1875-1926)

in memory

I am thinking of getting this ring from Sundance, one ring for each lost baby.

I've also been considering getting a tattoo.

I want to honor my lost babies in some way. They will forever be a part of me, in my heart. But I long for a physical reminder.